Don't Turn Your Children Into Hypocrites
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Part 1 (for Part 2 go to https://protectyourthaghr.wixsite.com/home/your-children-dont-want-to-pray)
There has always been a lot of pressure on Muslim children from their parents to enter professions like medicine, engineering or law, even if the child is not interested in them nor has the aptitude to study them. However, I think that there should be a specific focus on how we as practising Muslim parents affect the well-being of our children because of the high aspirations we have for them regarding their religion.
As practising Muslims, whether we're involved in dawah, Muslim schools/madrasahs and charities or not, we can put pressure on our children. Maybe it's because we feel pressure from society as many eyes are on us so when we preach to others about good behaviour and striving for excellence then people expect our children to demonstrate them the most. Or maybe we have always wanted Allah to bless them with the goodness that comes from doing Islamic work.
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Either way, I think that it is helpful to separate our expectations of them into two areas: things that they shouldn't do and things that we want them to do. When it comes to things that they shouldn't do then we do have a precedent in great sahaba like Umar Ibn al-Khattab (ra) who, when he became Khalif, told his children that he would be even more severe with them if he heard that they had done something wrong.
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However, when it comes to things that we want them to do like becoming scholars, imams or people of dawah etc. then our children all have their own personalities and may not have the wishes or aptitude to follow in our footsteps or fulfil our hopes for them. We listen to lectures on our great scholars and of how amazing they were from a young age but why don't we hear about their children? We don't because the children of many of our great scholars could not achieve the excellence that they achieved. For example, many of the children of Imam Malik would come in and out of his study circles as they were not interested in learning even though people had come from across many lands to learn from him. Imam Malik would console himself with the words, “What brings me solace and comfort is that knowledge cannot be passed down like inheritance.” The son of another famous scholar would play with his birds rather than learn knowledge as encouraged by his father.
Unfortunately, the feeling of being watched by others and the competition culture that we have in our communities means that we end up having these expectations of our children even though, physically or mentally, they might not be at the right developmental age for them or at all.
By forcing our children to follow in our footsteps or fulfil our hopes for them, we are running the risk of making them bitter and turning them into hypocrites because they will be doing good deeds like running charities or becoming memorisers of the Qur'an because we pressured them to. What good will it do them when actions are judged by intentions? Sometimes, we even pressure them to excel in religious and worldly issues equally, expecting them to become memorisers of Qur'an AND achieve high grades when we ourselves as adults make excuses for ourselves to not wake up for lengthy tahajjud regularly, to not voluntarily fast during the long summer months, to not memorise even a few more extra surahs or du'as that we can recite in our salah and so on, which are easier than what we expect from our children.
Yes, a few Muslims will be able to excel in religious affairs, worldly affairs or even both but not all Muslims will strive for this type of excellence; many are content to pray their 5 daily prayers, observe hijab and earn halal rizq. If our children fall under this category then as parents we should be content if they willingly do these things and not put pressure on them to do more or become mini versions of us. We should encourage them and provide for them every opportunity to excel but we should be sensitive to their responses after all, despite our dreams of what they would become, now they are flesh and blood beings in front of us and forcing them could lead to resistance and negative consequences either because they don't want to or because they simply can't.
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Finally, if the excellence of having high aspirations regarding our religion is not what they can achieve then we can always still encourage in them the following type of excellence that Allah loves:
Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said,
“If you make a judgment, be just. If you have to kill, kill in the best manner. Verily, Allah Almighty is excellent and he loves excellence (ihsan).”
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And also, "Verily Allah has prescribed ihsan (perfection/excellence) in all things. Thus if you kill, kill well; and if you slaughter, slaughter well. Let each one of you sharpen his blade and let him spare suffering to the animal he slaughters." [Muslim]
In this way, we can encourage our children to carry out the religious and worldly duties that they do perform, well and thoroughly. There is also much goodness in this for them and is also what we learn as being important to Allah's mighty messengers. Once Allah's messenger Muhammad (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) asked the angel Jibreel (AS) about prophet Musa (AS) and how many years he worked for the righteous old man from Madyan. We know from Surah al-Qasas that the man had given him the option of marrying one of his daughters in exchange for working for him for 8 years or 10 years (as mahr/his dowry to her), with 10 being the best of the two options. Jibreel (AS) replied that he chose the best and the most complete option which was working for 10 years. The fact that Musa (AS) worked for the full 10 years and that our beloved prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) felt it important to ask Jibreel (AS) about the option that he chose, show us how both of these two mighty messengers of Allah Ta'ala were concerned with carrying out duties to perfection and thoroughly and not doing the bare minimum so this type of excellence in all matters is also what we can encourage in our children.
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Part 1 (for Part 2 go to https://protectyourthaghr.wixsite.com/home/your-children-dont-want-to-pray)
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​Wal-hamdu lillahi rabbil 'alamin (February 2023)
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